


Heart of Darkness

by pixiedurango



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Assassination, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Blood and Gore, Desire, F/M, First Kiss, Flirting, Kissing, Love, Murder, Pre-Relationship, Rejection, Romance, Violence, Work In Progress, relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-02 04:17:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4045618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixiedurango/pseuds/pixiedurango
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This whole work is a major spoiler for the Blackwall-Romance!</p><p>Leliana knows there is something wrong with the "Grey Warden" who was recruited to the Inquisition lately. And she confronts him. Blackwall offers to leave immideately but she demands him to stay for she sees that he may be of good use for the Inquisition.<br/>She has not considered that there may be greater feelings than guilt and fear in the future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Reinedesglacesalavanille](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reinedesglacesalavanille/gifts).



> This all started as a simple prompt from the wonderful reinedesglacesalavanille on tumblr.  
> As far as I am now it will be the story-arch for the romance between my Lavellan Nininaelle and Blackwall. This time with a angsty twist that comes natural when Leliana is involved.
> 
> This piece paints no sweet picture of our spymaster and will maybe piss off one or two people.  
> But I see Leliana as she is portraied in DA:I as manipulative, bitter and ruthless in order to protect the Inquisition and for this she chooses to act the way she does in here: Bitchy to the max! 
> 
> It all starts a lot focussing around Blackwalls POV but will later involve more of the Inquisitors view of things, too.  
> Maybe there will be some smut, too, but that's not decided yet. 
> 
> It's a WIP

And in my fear I had to carry on,  
Where no-one else had gone,  
Looking in the heart of darkness from above,  
To the man inside,  
I took my chance and set off for the light,  
And started the journey of my life

Heart of Darkness - Chris de Burgh

 

„ _Warden_ Blackwall... making yourself useful, I see...“ he almost cringed when he heard the soft voice from behind. He turned around, leaving the stable work he had volunteered for, to see the Inquisitions spymaster literally sliding towards him.

Hands folded on her back. Almost a smile on her pretty but blank face.

He did not buy shit from her friendly attitude.

She was a deadly threat. At least to him. If not in general.

He was always on guard whenever he dealt with those Inquisition-people, whenever he dealt with people at all. But the spymaster was another league... Leliana was terrifying, at least...

„A word, _Warden_ Blackwall?” she asked. No, she did not ask. This was an order. He obeyed. Wordless.

She led him up the street, away from the smithy, away from the military camp, away from all eyes and ears... He suddenly realized that he was unarmed except for the knife in his right boot and a small wood-chopping-axe on his belt.

„You won’t need a weapon, I just came to talk, _Warden_ Blackwall.” the way she emphasized sent him shivers up and down his spine.

Her voice was completely bland and she did not look at him at all. Her hands folded inside her long sleeves and her face kept hidden under her blue gowns’ hood.

He tried hard not to show any of his emotions. Panic, fear and terror were almost overwhelming but he could not allow that she knew.

„You have nothing to fear...” she continued her speech. „for now.”

„Why would you think I’m frightened.” Attack seemed to be the best defense. He managed to give his voice a stern and defying attitude.

„Because you are a fraud and you know that I know.” her voice was all business now and he had to swallow hard before he could speak again.

„Do I?” He tried an sarcastic undertone but failed. So he took a deep breath and resumed. „I assume you want me to leave?” he knew he was negotiating serious matters now. His life, for example. Making a clean cut would be the best, before the spymaster did one with one of her blades... literally.

It would be the best to go. Now. While he was still new to the Inquisition having not bonded with too many people. Leaving soon and in silence. No one would ask. No one would go after him.

Not even _her._..

His heart wrenched when his thoughts wandered to the lady who was already too deep inside his thoughts.

Even the Herald would not search for him, if he took his leave soon. Back on the road, trying to survive one day after another and finding resolve by helping people while pretending to be someone he never could become. A good man.

„I want nothing like this from you.” she surprised him. „I expect you to be the man you claim to be and go on with your work for the inquisition.” her tone had not changed. It was more subtle. Something he sensed deep down in his spine. He had goosebumps all over from this new edge in her voice.

„Why would you want that, spymaster?” he asked. There still was a part of him that could be as ruthless as this woman. He hated this aspect of his personality but he knew he had to be Thom Rainier now in order to have a stand against her.

„You are a _tool_ , Blackwall or what ever your name may be. You are a skilled fighter, not to say a killer and for that useful. Plus you brought us this warden contracts that are more valuable while we have a warden with us. So I don’t care whether you are a true grey warden or not. Though of course we both know that you are not. If you just play your role like you did before, anyone who has never dealt with a warden will buy it.”

 _She knows only half of the truth..._ he realized. Thom Rainier would stay in the shadows. At least a bit of relief.

„And after all,” she smiled but it was no friendly smile, „the Herald seems to like you. She feels secure when you are fighting at her side and that makes her a better fighter, too. You will not leave because the Inquisition will make good use of you. Beside that you will stay out of trouble and keep on killing what needs to be killed, for this is obviously what you do best.”

He forced himself to overhear all the insults and threats she put into her speech. He straightened his back and managed to look her in the eyes.

„Well, this is good to hear, because this _tool_ indeed intends to stay and protect your Herald. No matter from where a threat might come from...” His voice now was cold, too.

And he was well aware, that he just threatened the spymaster of the Inquisition herself. But he had to do it because he could not let Leliana think that he was an easy prey.

His life might be worth less than shit but he was not willing to let it be taken from a spymaster playing destiny.

„I appreciate you being so eager to fulfill your tasks, _Warden_ Blackwall. So you might return to your duties now.” she ended this conversation as abrupt as she had started it and simply turned away to make her leave. But after a few steps she stopped again and turned around, looking up to the dark haired, bearded warrior. „A piece of advice: Go and get yourself a history book about the wardens and learn it off by heart.” snappy and arrogant the last words served with a cold smile.

„I will consider that, spymaster. Thank you for your... _insights_.” His bow had perfect form but his voice turned it all into bitter irony.

 


	2. Chapter 2

The nightmares returned shortly after the conversation with the spymaster.

His sleep had never been very restful ever since he was on his  _journeys_ and he had been grateful that at some point in his life at least the worst memories stopped haunting him every fucking night.

Now it was all back. Worse than ever.

He woke up in the middle of the night by his own groans. Sweat pouring from his pores, his body shaking, pain wreaking havoc in his head and the reflections of the past wouldn’t go away from his inner eye.

First he tried to numb himself with ridiculous amounts of liquor but soon he recognized that the permanent hangover would be recognized and for sure it was no help at all when he was expected to fight at his best every day. Plus, the qunari-spy had forced talks on him about people who drink to forget. Last thing he wanted was another person poking inside his memories. When he quit the heavy drinking he eventually tried woodcarving and sticked with it. It soothed his mind and kept the hands busy.

So he stayed for himself, helping out at the forge or the stables when he was not assigned to missions. Talking with the commoners seemed less dangerous to him after all.

Now and then  _she_ came along.

Obviously seeking for his company for there was no other reason to be out here at all. She was too important to inspect the stables by her own and Master Dennet was no one who needed inspection anyway.

Sometimes she brought cakes she swiped from the kitchen to share with him. She loved cakes and everything sweet and she giggled when the sugar coat kept clinging into his beard while he was trying to eat them with some dignity.

At times she seemed to be just a little girl who got stuck in an adventure with some burden far too big for her to carry. In moments like this he felt the sudden urge to protect her from all evil. But then, just a moment later, something flickered through her green eyes and she was far more than a girl and he realized that her delicate elven frame, her doll face and her girlish giggles were the way she wanted people to see her.

She was a thief. A killer. An assassin. And she used her outer features as a disguise. That was one of her ways to hide in the shadows in order to stay alive. She was far from being naive and even further away from being a chess-piece others could use in a game where she had nothing to contribute.

Unlikely enough she seemingly enjoyed his company. And usually she let off her masquerade while with him. A rough charm people usually carried when living nature bound and in solitude. Highly sarcastic at times. She laughed about his jokes, the filthier the better. She even flirted with him. Blunt and straight forward. No way to misunderstand what she was after. He liked that. Far too much. Felt flattered. And attracted.

Thinking of her made it easier to sleep. The nightmares were less horrifying when he recalled the short encounters they had before falling asleep. Innocent thoughts at first but he was a man after all and his thoughts and desires lingered on and went onto things that had not happened yet. Things that better never were going to happen...

After he made this mental step once, there was seemingly no way back to innocence and he felt burning guilt that he allowed himself to fantasize about the Herald of Andraste in that way during his restless nights.

Another addition to his self afflicted pile of guilt that was his fucking life...

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haven burns. And so does Blackwalls heart.

The moment he realized that she was more to him than a flirt or a lust-driven fantasy that kept him sane through lonely nights full of nightmares happened while Haven was burning down around them.

They had been out there for several times. She, him, that obscure Tevinter Mage and the Qunari-Spy - as they had fought together on many missions before as a good team. They had rescued a fair amount of people from the burning houses of Haven and had killed off piles and piles of seemingly endless respawning red templars. Now everything seemed to go to vain after Corypheus and this damn dragon-archdemon-thing out there had literally burned down all their chances for a victory.

The chantry was full of wounded and scared people and the smell of fear, blood, death and candles was nauseating.  
He was standing close to the doors and watched her debating with Commander Cullen about what options were left. They talked about the last remaining trebuchet and a hidden path chancellor Roderick seemed to know to get them out of Haven.  
And that Corypheus only came for the Herald and was not interested in anything else.

His heart dropped when she finally stated that she would go out alone to face Corypheus if she could save the people with it. 

Without thinking he stepped forward and blurted:  
„You are not going alone out there, my lady!” and before there was any more arguing, the Qunari and the Tevinter stood beside him and repeated after him. They would not allow her to go back out there alone.

„I will not sacrifice any of you.” she objected stubbornly at once. Speaking to all three of them but her eyes were darting his in fierce despair.

„If you want to get that remaining trebuchet armed and fired you’ll need all the help you can get.” he could be stubborn, too. „And we will not let you risk your life for nothing. We will be there where you go and make that thing work, my lady!” now he spoke for the whole party and his being reasonable seemed too work the right way because she finally nodded.

„Well then, follow me. But lets make this clear. The moment I order you to retreat, you will obey with no further question. No senseless sacrifices! Swear!”

„You are the boss, boss!” Bull was first and she nodded.

„I may be crazy, but not that crazy, Herald... Your word and I’ll be off!” The Tevinter.

Now her burning eyes on him. Demanding:  
„Say it, Blackwall! Swear!”

He swallowed hard.  
„Obedience, my lady. Always!” he bowed his head and she finally seemed satisfied.

When he looked back up, he saw the spymasters cold eyes on him and her head shake of disapproval was hardly visible for anyone else but him.

~ ~ ~

Then they were back in battle. And when she finally ordered them to retreat without her, he did as he had sworn it to her. It was maybe one of the hardest things he ever had to do but he forced him self because he had sworn to obey and so he did.

The next thing that happened was the heavens come tumbling down and Haven fall into ashes. They ran. Followed the hidden path until they found themselves in the snow covered wilderness with no path to follow, no place to go and without their Herald.

He remained at the rear and nobody questioned it. He was a warrior, acting as a rear-guard was a thing warriors actually did.

Days passed and nothing happened. Hope faded and their strength did, too. They kept on marching. Forward into the white nothing ahead. Many of them finally stopped looking back. He didn’t. 

He had stopped being a religious man long ago but now he was praying again. 

When Cullen and Cassandra eventually dashed off into the snow storm where they had spotted a vague movement in the white haze he had to force himself not to run after them. He had to stay unobtrusive for the spymasters eyes, could not allow to show his feelings openly. 

The Commander came back. A bundle wrapped into his coat on his arms. It was her. Pale, lifeless, barely breathing. And he only wished it could be him to carry her. To keep her warm and to take care for her but it was an impossible desire. Only thing he could do was watching from a far and keep on praying.

She recovered slowly and one day he finally dared to pay her a brief visit at her sick-bed.  
The chantry sister went on a tactful walk and Nininaelle smiled wearily.

„Blackwall. So good to see you. Have a seat, please.”

„I’m afraid my lady, I cannot stay.” Her smile faded. His heart wrenched. „I just wanted to pay you a brief visit to express how glad I am that you are feeling better.” Her sick bed was too close to where the spymaster rested, he could not afford to step off the path of professional chivalry.

„I understand. Of course you have other matters to attend. But thank you anyway, Warden Blackwall, for your kindness of dropping by.” she put on her Heralds’ mask though she did not understand why he acted so different now and he could see that his distant behavior hurt her.  
He wanted to sit down, telling some of his filthiest jokes and share the stale bread and the dried ram meat with her. He had spared it from his own rations for three days so she could have some more to put on during recovery. He did not dare to offer it for he felt the eyes of the spymaster burning into his back.  
So he bowed stiffly and went away with some random impersonal greetings leaving her behind with a devastated expression on her face.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically rampart-talk and Blackwall brooding

„So, this is Skyhold...” he was gazing up to the still impressive walls of the decayed keeps’ main tower. Their new home. Save, finally. For now at least.   
She had approached him right the moment she saw him in the yards. Since they had not spoken after his awkward visit at her sick bed he was sure she would have some serious questions. „Come, let’s walk the ramparts....” he suggested in order to bring them both out of the sight from everyone. „I want to examine our... fortifications.” 

She nodded and followed him over the staircases up to the battlements where they walked in silence for quite a time. He did not know where to start and she did nothing to make it easier for him.   
When he pretended to be at ease by casually leaning against the crenel he knew he could not fool her. He started talking business assuring that the keep was an improvement and her soldiers were eager to protect her.   
And then the words suddenly flew from him.

„When Corypheus came after you, he really made it personal. I swear I’ll take that twisted bastard down. Even if I have to die to do it!” 

Her green eyes went soft on him.  
„I’m not losing anyone to Corypheus. Especially not you. I told you that before.”

Maker, he’d let him self got carried away. Better he should stay reasonable, he reminded him self.  
„You can’t afford to think I’m special.” he hurried to object. „I’m a soldier not different to any soldier lost at Haven.” Her eyes still on him, unnerving with that rare expression of softness. He spoke fast before he could rethink it. He had to get out of this situation, otherwise she would bring him to his knees just by looking at him like that. „I am fond of you it’s true but we can’t let go this any further. This, what ever you want this to be, is impossible.”

„Why is it impossible? I know you have feelings for me.” she adapted his reasonable approach and made it all sound like a matter of negotiation between two strangers. But their eyes spoke different and neither him nor her could hide that from each other. 

„My lady don’t!” He made a harsh denying gesture. „You’re the Inquisitor. The Herald of Andraste. Even now there are people flocking to your banner. Ready to serve. Ready to die. ”He finally pulled out the responsibility and duty card. He was not sure wether for her or for him self. „We must remain focused on the task at hand.”

„I’m not what they say I am. I never asked them to believe.” she protested not caring about his objections.

„But they do. And it’s too late to go back. Who ever you were is gone. They believe you are the Herald because they need to. Without that hope, all that’s left is despair. We’re both bound by duty. Our lives aren’t ours to live. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.” There was so much twisted truth and bitter lies in his harsh words at the same time, he could not stand to look into her eyes any longer.   
So he turned and walked away with no goodbye. Leaving her standing at the ramparts where he had brought her. Speechless and again hurt for a reason he could never tell her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blackwall needs many words to say nothing and finally messes up at the Stormcoast.

He found a new place to spend his off days. Beside the stables he set up a workshop and started woodworking again. Made himself useful with the mounts and helped Cullen train new recruits. His days were filled with duty while waiting to be assigned into new missions but no matter what he did, he could not ban her from his mind. Her sweet face lingered there and and the disturbing pain kept itching within no matter how much he tried to force himself to forget her.

He hoped and at the same time he hoped not that she would stay away.  
But of course she didn’t.  
She came not exactly running after him but she came. Gracious and full of pride she entered his workshop one day catching him working on a wooden griffon. Said nothing. Left the start to him.  
He came down rambling about ‚keeping the hands busy’ and ‚this here is better than wandering the forests’. She was just watching. Smiling. Waiting.

He suddenly felt the urge to explain things. Himself. Who he was. And why. Hard thing to do without revealing anything. He went the long road talking about the Grand Tourney a whole lifetime ago while trying to explain how important she and the Inquisition were to him.

„You are who you chose to follow.” That was it in a nutshell but he could not leave it like that. He kept on talking. She listened only asking to encourage him to talk more. When in the end he concluded that he did not regret anything in his life because it all had led him to her she kept quiet but her eyes told him that she had learned everything she needed to know.

This was the moment he felt ready to explain. Despite every curse that may be laying upon him he wanted to tell her. Freeing him self from all his burdens.  
He asked her to forgive him and offered explanations.  
She was snappy first but then compassionate and agreeable to come with him where ever he wanted to take her just if he only would open up and finally start making sense to her.

„If it’s important to you, then it’s important to me.” she simply said at the end and it was settled.  
Next morning before dawn she came to wake him telling him the mounts were waiting and they left for the Stormcoast.

Finally there, things went somewhat out of hand for him.  
Once they arrived where he had planned to make his explanations, he was not able to tell anymore. Instead of the truth they found a grey wardens’ badge and when she asked if it was his, he stumbled. First over his thoughts and then over his words. Finally he claimed that it must be his.

He had lied _right into her face_. Not making up evasions or elusions. He _lied_! She had assumed that it was his badge that he might have lost and he said yes and that he had earned it after all and that he shouldn’t have let it go so easily.  
That was even more despicable than shorthanded, made up-answers about grey wardens when his knowledge failed him or a hazy reply when someone asked about darkspawn.  
That she had been all understanding made it almost unbearable. Offering her support and - again - declared her affection for him. Her willingness to stand at his side and fight with him, for him, made him suffer. He was well aware that he must have left her baffled and frustrated again.

The journey back had been very silent and awkward.  
He knew that he had not been able to satisfy her in any way. She still was full of questions but she finally seemed to get tired of asking them.  
Would have been fine with him if only he did not care so damn much about her.  
He had told her that he needed time to think and she did not insist.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leliana greatly disapproves Blackwalls and Lavellans Journey to the storm coast.

Back to skyhold they resumed their duties and Nininaelle did nothing to approach him again.

It was better this way he tried to convince him self but it did not work very well. She kept assigning him to missions but put herself off from any private moments with him and while at the keep she never dropped by as she had used before. But he caught her looks. Her eyes were speaking louder than her voice had ever spoken to him. Telling him that she still was thinking of him, still had feelings for him and still had not given up hope on him.

Instead, one day out of nothing the damn spymaster stood in the hallway of his workshop. He almost jumped when he turned around and she was there. Came closer to address him with her cold voice.

„Enjoyed your trip to the stormcoast, _Warden_ Blackwall? I thought my orders were clear when I told you to stay out of trouble.” She spoke in a low noise but her tone was already terrifying.

„This is nothing of your concern, spymaster.” he put up all his attention and all his defense not willing to give in but also he did not want to make her angrier as she already was.

„Oh, it is. You are distracting the Inquisitor. Keeping her mind from what her real tasks are.” she stepped closer. He wished he had more distance between them but forbid himself to step back.

„I did no such thing.” he was scared as hell but he won’t back down from her.

„Well, apparently you do. Otherwise we would not having this conversation right now. You know what is at stake and we cannot afford bringing her attention to other than defeating Corypheus. I will not tolerate her being carried away from that goal by wasting her time with someone like you.”

„Don’t you think this should be up to her to decide that? She’s a grown woman and it should be her own decision to do what ever she pleases. ” Though he knew Leliana was a serious threat he was ready any time to stand up for Nininaelle for she did not deserve being used like a chess-piece by whom ever.

„Then take care that she makes the right decision. Stay! Away! Or I will shatter you!” Like she had done it before the spymaster abruptly turned around and walked away with no further greetings.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blackwall on the balcony, we all know how this ends...

He was torn apart.

His feelings for the Inquisitor grew stronger every day and at the same time he felt that he could never be a man for her.

This devastating feelings of guilt were numbing everything else and he was sure that he could never be the man she needed and deserved to stand at her side. He was not worthy of her love he was not even worth to be a part of this Inquisition. He was a liar because he was a coward not able to stand up for what he did.

But he wanted to be better so desperately. He only wished he could be a good man, could be a suitable match for  _her_ . Could finally look into a mirror again and without feeling less.

Maker, they could have been together. If only there had been no Inquisition. If they had met somewhere out there, she would have been nothing more than a elven mercenary on the run and no one would have cared if he was a coward hiding in the shadows. They could have been equals.

But she was the Inquisitor. She was more. Maybe even chosen by Andraste herself... Leading a powerful force that was shattering the world and claiming to be a power to change things to the better. How could he ever be good enough for her?

And yet...

He had to speak to her. One last time. Convincing her that she, too, had to let go of him. Maybe if he could explain it to her with reason, she would understand and finally forget him.

~   ~   ~

He had asked Sera over an Ale to help him out, entering the Inquisitors chambers. She made her usual dirty annotations and he laughed with her for he loved the loud and sometimes annoying archer like a little sister and got never tired of spending free time with her at the tavern.

So when the time had come and they were sure the Inquisitor was at the war table Sera lockpicked the doors for him, patted him on the back, wished him fun and ran off cackling.

He sneaked up into the huge rooms where Nininaelle used to sleep and work when they were at the keep.

He never had been in there and he felt strange and like the intruder he just was. Maybe she would get upset and throw him out as once and would be done with him for violating her personal space...

He was out on the balcony when he heard the door. Her steps were as always light and almost inaudible but who else could it be coming up the stairs now.

It took him a few moments to gather his courage and while he did he took the chance and watched her. Her delicate frame, her red hair, the freckles the stunning green eyes and the elven tattoo she was wearing over her left eye. She was so beautiful.

Finally he took a deep breath and stepped into the light cone. He leaned himself against the window frame pretending he was all calm. But his heart pounded and he felt like a young lad courting for the first time in his life ever though he was not even courting... He came to end this before it could go any further... but still...

She turned around, when she heard something from the open balcony window.

Her eyes lit for a second and her face showed a broad smile. It went a bit smirky when she opened: 

„I knew you couldn’t stay away...”

Oh Maker she was right. He sighed. 

„No, I couldn’t” and before he could help he found himself rambling about how confounding and impossibly infuriating she was.

She stood there, still that daring smile on her face but keeping silent. Leaving it all to him. Like she did before.

He tried to be reasonable and thanked her for going with him to the stormcoast but it was in vain. He began to stumble upon his thoughts, his words... Who was he trying to fool?

„I just had to see you...”

Next thing he felt were her lips on his, falling into a bittersweet kiss he wished never to end. But again reasoning kept stepping into his way and it was him who broke the moment by withdrawing from her once again. This time even physically since he never had been close to her in this way before. He tried to explain. Told her that it was wrong. Words failed how much of wrong it was. He tried to apologize for intruding her space, even for coming into her chambers but she just smiled that sweet smile of hers and replied with an alluring undertone:

„This doesn’t feel wrong.”

„I want to give in. Maker knows how much I wish I could. I’m not what you want. I could never be what you deserve.” at least he was able to come out without stumbling over his own words now.

„I decide what I deserve.” there was the leader she was.

„There is nothing I can offer you. You’d have no life with me.” almost desperately he tried to stand against the feelings now. He wanted her so badly. And he could see in her eyes that she wanted him too. His mind was telling him to run but his heart was screaming that for once in his life he should just give in to the moment to ease this burning pain inside. He fought with himself.

But he knew he’d already lost.

His last desperate try to withdraw was to ask her to end it. He knew he could not do it him self anymore. He was lost. Lost himself into her sparkling green eyes and some hopeless feelings that already cut way too deep.

But he should have known her better.

„I’m not letting you go.” was all she said and though he knew that it was wrong he felt a big relief that she did not send him away.

„We’ll regret this, my lady.” was the last thing he could remember to say. Replying in a last pointless objection before they melt into a long kiss.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leliana is not happy when she learns that Nininaelle and Blackwall are in a relationship now.

Nininaelle made no secret of their new relationship – and though he was sure this would summon the spymaster again preying after him, he made no objections. He would handle it when the time had come.

Maker, she was sweet. Sweet and soft and vulnerable. Almost innocent. No one would have believed that if he’d told it to anybody. But he didn’t anyway. This was just for him and he valued the gift she offered him by letting him see this aspect of her personality.

On their missions, or when ever others were around she was like she had ever been. A reckless little madcap with a bow and some daggers, a sarcastic but tough and determined negotiator and a brilliant , dangerous mind behind he face of a naive girl.

She had decided to focus her training on the assassins specializations. That meant she grew from a self taught one into a professional... Adding on to her poker face and on to her responsibilities.

Sometimes he wondered how much she would be able to carry on her small shoulders. This was all her and he adored her like that. But he also adored the woman she was, when they were in private.

When ever they stole a moment together, when she could be nothing but his lady, she leaned into his embrace and hold him close as if she would drown if she’d lose grip.

When they managed to sneak away from the others from camp to lay down on a pretty lakeside to have some privacy she rested her head on his abs. Casually carving on a piece of wood without any purpose or humming some tavern melody they caught the night before. Her eyes closed feeling his hands playing with her red hair.

Exchanging sweet kisses at the stables when ever she dropped by. And she dropped by far more often than the stables needed her attention. She came for him. For his arms. His kisses.

Still those moments seemed rare and he cherished every single one of them.

For he was sure that they won’t last forever no matter how much he wished otherwise.

Moments that he kept inside to soothe him, for when he woke up again, heart raging and in cold sweat from the nightmares that were still haunting him.

~   ~   ~

He was right with his concerns. Of course he was.

The spymaster appeared out of nothing one day when he was just done on the training yard. He had sparred with Cassandra and The Iron Bull and longed for a tub of water, some rest and an ale at the tavern later.

She joined him, walking beside him like they were companions having a casual talk after a hard days work.

„For a man having more than his life at stake you are surprisingly careless about what your orders are.” she opened in a low voice.

„My orders are to protect the Inquisitor. And this is what I do.” he hissed back.

„I told you to stay away from her.”

„Slightly impossible when you are assigned to fight side by side and travel the countryside for weeks and months.”

„This does not include sneaking into her bed.” she shot back.

„I did no such thing and if you came to accuse me for _that_ you’d better check on your personnel for they obviously don’t give proper records.” It was the truth. And no matter what he desired so badly, he never had insisted to change her mind or rushed her for he was sure Nininaelle would ask when the time was right for her to do the next step.

But he had no intention to discuss this aspect of his relationship with the spymaster or anyone else.

He called himself to be more cautious towards her because he was sure Leliana would not let him off the hook so easy. She still was a threat for she  _knew_ about him and was ruthless enough to use this knowledge to get rid of him because she simply did not care. He did not want her mad at him but at the same time he could not stand backing down when ever she came after him. 

He tried to reason:

„Leliana, listen. I don’t want to harm her. Or the Inquisition. I am willing to give my life. For both. No matter what or who I am. So why don’t you stop harassing me and allow the Inquisitor a little happiness?”

But she was not willing to concede.

„Be careful with your actions. Maybe there will come a day the Inquisition might not find any more use of you. Which worth will your new bond with the Inquisitor have when she learns from someone else that you lied to her all the way? Do you really think she would go on protecting you? For now this is all that’s keeping you alive... her silly crush on you!”

„I am willing to leave that into her hands gladly.” he stated bolder than he actually felt and made effort to turn away from the spymaster to leave for the stables.

„This may be my last warning to you _Warden_ Blackwall... I will find out what you are hiding and when I do, Maker have mercy on your rotten soul!”

He heard her but neither did he turn around nor was he able or even willing to reply.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The backstory of Niniaelle Lavellan.   
> How she became the person she was, when she stumbled into the Inquisition and to get prepared for the things that may occure in the future...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Violence warning for this chapter.  
> Blood and gore, vomit and attempted rape mentioned.

Masks. Everything was about masks. It did not matter whether you were a highborn in a noble keep or living in an aravel in the woods. Life was easier when you were able to put a mask on. Nininaelle was skilled when it came to masks.

From the moment she was able to speak, she had been the one asking questions. Too many of them. About everything. All the time. She was put to quiet every single time. First with words, later with force.

She kept asking.

Maybe if anyone would have been there who had cared enough to answer. Not with prejudices and onesided truths but with honesty. Maybe then she would have been able to blend in more. To be fine with the life in her clan. With no contact to anyone but other Dalish. But when ever she asked about others she was cut down. She learned about how cruel and barbaric the Shemlen were and that it was not accepted to mingle with them.

She got her first painful lesson at seven. She was not able to walk properly for three days afterwards.

Her crime had been running off to play with some village kids.

She put on her first mask. Showing her pain to no one.

By the age of fifteen she spent almost her entire time alone in the woods. She could not stand to be among that narrow minded people who claimed to be her family, her clan.

She loved to run. Feeling carefree and empty in a very comfortable way while the trees were flying by, the wind playing with her hair. When she was running she was not thinking just feeling and for this she loved to run.

And she learned to use her bow. She found that if she practiced she got better and so she kept on practicing until almost perfection. She also liked her daggers but feeling the bowstrings’ tension at her hands made her feel powerful and free.

She hunted and learned to make coin from everything she killed. A little Dalish girl dealing with gruff hunters and shady merchants. She had to learn quick and to adapt smooth if she wanted to survive. She did.

She met this bunch rogue kids when she was almost seventeen. A gang of young outlaws striding all over Ferelden trying to survive what ever it took. She did not even bother to tell her clan that she was leaving. Just sneaked in one night, packing her few belongings and ran off and joined that wild bunch of orphans and runaways.

There were only few other Elven kids. She was the only Dalish howsoever. A young Qunari. Tal-Vashoth he said he was and they never figured out whether this was his name or a title or a horrible curse. Maybe it was all in one. Loud and raw he was in his manners and speech but loyal and protective when you were able to look behind the veils.

Some Dwarves were with them, too. They had decided that running free and steal and kill would be better than being bound by the carta doing the same things.

She was not even the youngest among them but one of the few girls.

The first one who tried to force him self on her almost lost his life due to one of her blades. The second one lost two fingers and probably his ability to make children when she kicked his balls so hard he was crying in agony for about 6 hours straight. After that none of the boys ever tried again and they called her sister.

They were her clan now. Her family. And they grew up together. Learned together how to survive. To steal, to blackmail, even to kill. They laughed together. Cried. Celebrated and mourned together. Lost brothers and sisters and gained new ones.

She had just turned nineteen when she killed a person for the first time.

It was at a tavern-brawl where they ended up by accident and if she would not have drawn her daggers first, this man would have. When it was over, she ran outside and vomited her meager dinner from stale bread and sour wine. The picture of this mans throat flipping up and blood spilling all over her haunted her for weeks.

She got used to it far too soon and when she was close to be twenty her name was well known by people who needed an assassin for little coin and even lesser questions.

Her first and only love was this brooding scholar who in fact was little more than a average talented tavern minstrel who was with them for he was witty with a quill and could even write in different handwritings. He taught her how to write and read. And to sing. He taught her all the songs he knew and she loved to sing for them all whether it was merry occasions or sad ones.

And he was the first one she did not harm when he eventually tried to kiss her. He was her first lover and her only. For years.

He was caught one day selling fake relics and they hung him right the next day.

She was devastated. The gang had desperately tried to free him but failed and she could not even allow herself to cry when she saw him on the gallows because if she did they would have known that they were connected in some way.

She could just stand petrified and watch him lose the ground under his feet. She felt the same even the earth was not moving.

They returned later, when the crowd already was gone. To see if he was still alive. Sometimes they survived for a while. At least they had heard of things like that in ballads where the hero was saved in the last second from the rope.

But he was no hero. He was dead.

Her brothers had to drag her away. Binding and gagging her for her own sake because she almost went insane when she saw his dead body swinging in the soft breeze of a summers night, the crows already trying to hack out his blind eyes.

She made them promise that they return to cut the body off and burn his remains so his torn soul could find peace. It was all she could do for him and her brothers did what she had asked them for. They knew about pain and loss and they cared. They were family. And their hope was that someone would do the same for them when it came to an end for themselves.

She was close to be twenty five by that time.

She swore that she would never love again.

And she swore that she would never lose one of her family.

Three years later, when the word spread, that there would be a big conclave, the group saw their chance to pick their piece of the cake from it. Many people would be there. Wealthy chantry folk. People of influence and power. Merchants and Politicians. And where power gathered, there was money. And secrets. So they decided to send her there to spy and to find out things they could use for making coin out of it. Revealing secrets they could blackmail for or just to steal shiny chantry stuff.

She sneaked in, did her work and suddenly the world exploded…

Now she was called the Herald of Andraste by some and Inquisitor by a constantly growing number of people. She was supposed to be a leader and they gave her fine and clean clothes and a monstrous room with a ridiculous huge bed in it. She was never hungry anymore and she could command an army to her will if she wanted it.

Her former life seemed to fade away slowly and sometimes she was not sure whether she liked that or not.

But she saw the chance. The chance for herself. For her people. Not so much the Dalish, but for the ones having no voice out there regardless of their race. The poor and the dirty. People with a good heart but born on the wrong side of the table. She dreamed about giving chances to those who had none.

She did not care for noble folk. Or shiny knights and templars. But she knew that she needed all the help she could get. First to close the sky and overcome the biggest threat. When this was done, she could concentrate on making decisions who would win and who would lose from this mess.

Of course her opinions of the people who came to help her varied… Under normal circumstances she would never have worked with someone like Vivienne. But Nininaelle knew an opportunity when she saw one and so she tolerated the snobby circle mage and now and then even listened to what she had to say.

But she preferred to rely on the people she could feel in her heart. Sera for example. Or Varric and the Iron Bull. After a while even Dorian though her first impressions had been not very flattering on the handsome mage from Tevinter. But he had grown on her. When she learned about who and how he really was and what made him the man he was today, she finally started considering him a good friend and an important and reliable part of the Inquisition.

And then of course there was Blackwall.

Oh Blackwall.

Once she had sworn never to love again.

That oath still kind of lingered on her but she already felt her defenses fade away.

Whether she wanted it or not. She had feelings for the warrior far beyond friendship, even romance. She was just afraid to admit it. Even to her self. But deep inside she knew that she had fallen in love again.

She trusted him blind with her life. Longed for him when he was not at her side and simply felt calm and confident when he was around.

He did not know what he already meant to her and there were still a lot of questions she had but she had learned when she was out there on the roads that people would never open up when rushed and forced.

Nininaelle lived by the certainty that there was a time for everything. And she was sure there would come a time when all questions would be answered and until this moment she would be satisfied with the love in his eyes when he looked at her, the feeling of safety and peace in his arms and the happiness when he made her laugh with his naughty jokes.

She still intended to keep her second oath.

Because she had a new family now.

And she would protect them all, no matter the costs.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unintended Blackwall stumbles into a game of "Truth and Dare" with the Inquisitor and so the first night with his lady starts a bit different from what he had expected.

The Emerald Graves were an elusive beauty.

Far too many rifts to close and far more threats than the wonderful surroundings let think of in the first place. So bandits and wolves were the smallest problems they had to face while making their way through the blooming and fertile nature side.

They traveled in their usual constellation. The Iron Bull as Blackwalls partner in Melee-Range and Dorian, the mage from Tevinter, backed them up  together  with Nininaelle from the second line. Now and then Nini changed to her daggers and if so she suddenly appeared within the brawl like a whirlwind. Faster than the human eye could catch she was doing her deadly work with a fierce power and a ruthless coldness that would have frightened him if she had been his enemy.

The four of them already had grown together as a team and when it came to fighting they trusted blind to back up and look after each other. This was after all a comforting feeling while facing all this unpredictable threats at every corner.

Blackwall almost had started to like his companions, though Dorian could never stop mocking him so he was always at guard when the mage talked to him.

One day it was about his hygiene or better Dorians assumption that he lacked of it, the other day he was threatened as being a stupid peasant not capable of „higher thinking” or even worse a murderer for being a warden recruiter with a shady past. Their fights boiled up to the point the Inquisitor ran out of her patience and she put them back into their place.

Both of them.

By stating that they all needed to get along and work together in order to fulfill their tasks at hand.

And just to prove her words, that very moment they were ambushed by a patrol of red templars who never had come that close without being detected if they would have been all at guard as they should have been.

Blackwall felt ashamed. She was right. This stupid brawls with Dorian clearly had distracted him from the most important mission: Protecting her.

~ ~ ~

It was already close to sunset when she finally decided that the area should be save enough to set camp. It was an abandoned ruin of some kind. Sure to be from elven origin as it could easily be related by some remains of statues which portrayed one of their deities in wolf-form.

The place was almost perfect. Only to be entered from one side and for this easy to protect with fewer guards than in open terrain. The ground was paved with stone so the humid soil would not soak into their bedrolls at night. All in all a good place to stay and opt for a permanent camp.

While Blackwall and Bull were assigned to build a camp fire and erect the tents she and Dorian went to find something to fill their bellies. It took them less than an hour to return with a huge male August Ram that Bull skinned within minutes. It went onto a stick and over the rustling fire. She had also collected a wild assortment of herbs and from a pouch in her backpack she conjured some exotic spices. She rubbed the meat with that mixture and minutes later a promising scent of spiced meat filled the place.

Later they sat around the fire together.

Not talking much but it was a peaceful calmness among them they all seemed to enjoy.  
Nininaelle had leaned herself into Blackwalls arm and he simply enjoyed her being close to him. Dorian and Bull never had cared about them being romantically involved and showing it and so there was no reason to hold back. He also was thankful that none of Lelianas spies would be lurking around as long as it was just the four of them. So he was able to completely relax at least as long as the pioneers had not arrived yet.

They decided early to call it a night.

Dorian already had retreated into his tent and Bull had begun patrolling around their little camp for he was the first watch.

Earlier, when Blackwall asked about to settle the watch order, Bull and Dorian only had grinned and rambled that they would take care for the complete watch and that the two of them looked utterly tired and obviously needed some extra sleep. He already was about to object for he did not want any extras but her calm voice had cut him from saying anything while she simply thanked them and wished them a good and quiet night.

Now they stood next to her tent and it was time to say something.

Instead Blackwall drew her closer to kiss her goodnight.

When their lips finally parted he was already about to turn away but she did not let go of his hand.

„Blackwall…” her voice was low and sounded a bit insecure.

He turned back towards her. Looking into her eyes that were reflecting in a dark green from the flickering firelight.

„My lady?” he asked, not sure what was about to come next.

„Stay.” She simply said.

He raised an eyebrow.

„You sure, love?” he asked with a soft voice and stepped closer to her and slung one arm around her waist.

His heart was suddenly beating faster in anticipation and one of his rare smiles showed on his face. She leaned into his embrace and he could feel her nod more than he saw it.

„I don’t want to be alone tonight.” she mumbled against his chest.

„I’ll be there when ever you want me to be.” he promised and hoped that he would be able to keep it.

„Don’t make promises you cannot be sure to keep.” she said as if she had read his dark thoughts. „Let there be just one night after another. We cannot say what the future brings.” And with this she softly took his hand from her waist and pulled him towards her tent.

~ ~ ~

The traveling tents they used while exploring new areas were smaller than the regular ones the pioneers would bring.

Nininaelle just slipped in but for Blackwall it was a real challenge to wiggle his self through the small opening until he was able to stretch out on the bedroll with a sigh.

„There is not much space for two...” he mentioned with a grin but she just snuggled into his arm.

„We will not need much space.”

„Sounds promising, my lady.” he casually ran his fingers through her hair, let them caress her face and neck. She made some soft almost purring sounds of anticipation and let him finally draw her closer to melt into another kiss.

She was so close now and all in a sudden he felt awkward and almost shy to rush forward. Like the things he had done so often in his imagination were not suitable for the precious woman he held in his arms for real at last. All that he desired was now so close. It almost frightened him how overwhelming these feelings were. There were just the two of them tonight and no one could do or say anything against it. No matter whether he deserved it, deserved her, or not. She was going to sleep in his arms tonight and he would feel her heartbeat and hearing her breath all night and she would be the first thing he would see when he opened his eyes in the morning. And though he considered himself not a very religious man, he thanked the Maker in a silent prayer for this night though he was utterly sure he did not deserve it.

It was almost completely dark within the tent. Only the tiniest bit of reddish-golden light from the flickering campfire permeating through the tents’ cloth was kind of shading the darkness.

So Blackwall just saw her shadowy frame and some strange green glow from deep within her eyes when she rested herself on her elbow to look at him. Suddenly he remembered that it was said that elves have a better night sight than humans and he even had heard people talk about that their eyes glowed in the dark. This seemed not completely true after all but he could not deny that there was at least this intriguing glow that frightened and allured him at the same time.

„What is it that bothers you so much?” her voice was soft and low but he almost jumped when she started to speak. „Do you wardens have some special oath, like celibacy or something?”

He stiffened.

„What?”

He saw her dark frame shrug.

„You are always so secretive when it comes to the wardens... I just don’t know if I’m violating some important rules or something... If so, you should have told me earlier. I would have kept more... distance. In order not to tempt you.”

„Well... no. No I never swore an oath of celibacy.” at least he had not to lie about this one to her. But his brain was raging about how to avoid getting deeper into the warden subject.

But for now she was asking in a less dangerous direction and he tried to relax again:

„So why are you so... _reluctant_? I don’t assume you are a virgin?”

„And _you_?” the reply slipped before he could think.

She chuckled.

„Really, Blackwall? _That’s_ your concern?”

Now it was him who shrugged. This one was as good as any other possibility to distract her from more questions about his past or about wardens.

„Yes... No... my lady. Forgive me.” he drew her back towards to him so they were lying now on their sides and she was so close that she must feel even through their clothes, that he was already hard. But she did not do anything. Neither to explore this any further not drawing back and bring more distance between them.

Instead she placed a soft kiss on his lips and there was still a smile in her voice when she resumed:

„Since we seem to play truth or dare already you may go on with your question and I will answer.”

His heart almost skipped a beat.

Makers balls. How had he maneuvered himself into this mess now? He was starting to sweat and it was not her presence anymore... Well at least he had the choice not being asked any more things... maybe if he could distract her fast enough again... maybe by asking  _her_ more questions.

„So, since you are no virgin, my lady. Have you ever shared your bed with a human? I mean… well… I don’t mean any offense… I just wondered…” Blackwall stumbled over his own words.

Nininaelle chuckled again and let her fingers run over his cheeks and trail through his beard.

„I have. And whatever it is you are concerned about elves and humans having sex… don’t worry about it. I don’t think there will be any problem… and since you had to ask, I assume you also have never been with an elven woman before…”

He let his hand wander over her shoulders, her arm, her side, finally resting on her hip. Casually caressing her while still feeling the fabrics of her clothing between his hand and her skin. Though answering her questions without knowing where this was going was unnerving to him but he assured him self that she was not intending to do him any harm. He just hoped he would find the right words without having to tell her straight lies.

Finally he did not feel in a heated rush anymore.

Being with her meant more.

Resolve.

Maybe even redemption one day… he did not dare to finish this tempting thought.

Instead he replied to her assumption:

„Am I not supposed to make a choice between truth or dare, my lady?” His voice sounded lighter now, carrying a little smile within.

„Oh, how thoughtless of me, Ser.” She teased him. „So, truth or dare for you?”

For he already knew the question the choice was easy.

„Truth. And no, I have never been with an elven lady. Not intentionally, it just was never the case when time and opportunity granted me some luck with a woman. But now I feel that time and occasions are just right because they led you to find me, my lady.” He kissed her. Then he asked: „Truth or dare?”

„Truth.”

„Why tonight? You told me you do not want to be alone tonight. Is something the matter?” he felt her snuggling even closer, slinging her arm tighter around him. Holding him tight. It felt so good. There was no answer for a long time but he kept silent until she spoke.

„I’m terrified of the idea going to Halamshiral and deal with all this people, playing their so called _game_. And I feel ridiculous for it. There is no one I can talk to about this and everyone is relying on me. I cannot mess this up.”

„And you won’t.” he assured her.

Maker, he understood all too well why she was afraid. But going into details would reveal too much. He had to keep it random enough not to literally demask him but good enough to make her feel confident.

He had intended to ask of being spared for assignment to the ball at Halamshiral because he dreaded this place. But now he felt that he could not let her do this alone. He would not stay back at Skyhold while she was risking everything in this snake pit.

„How can you know? I’m elven, even dalish if it means anything in this relation. And I never played _the game_. They will crush me.” Her voice was weary.

„They might try, but I’m sure it will be right the opposite, my lady. You will crush _them_!”

„How so?” she asked.

„I saw you playing chess with Cullen last week. I played with him several times myself but never had a chance better than reaching a stalemate against him. You beat him so easily every time.”

„It’s just a game…”

„That’s what I’m saying…”

„I’m a dalish rogue. A mercenary. I can steal, blackmail and kill. But I can’t hardly dance or recall protocols. How shall I own a talent for playing courtly games?” she sounded slightly desperate.

„Well, maybe because playing _the game_ is just that: Stealing, blackmailing and killing. Only in fancy dresses and hidden behind shiny masks. You’ll feel very familiar there, trust me…” he said with a low laugh and bent his head to find her lips for some kisses again.

„You seem to know a great deal about the orlaisian court…” She finally stated and he almost flinched.

„Me? No… nothing more than the average people know…” _Shit_ , he almost had let himself got carried away by rambling about the fucking _game_. He had to be more cautious about his words. Bad enough that he would have to go back there but he had to be at guard when talking.

He could have bet that her eyes again were on him, searching for deeper answers he was not able to give. After all, she was not stupid. But she seemed to be satisfied with answers for tonight. Because the next thing she said was again:

„Truth or dare?”

And when he answered

„Dare!”

It seemed to be just the right thing because she replied:

„I thought you would never say that.” Her voice sounded like an alluring smile. „So I dare you, Warden Blackwall, to take off of my clothes and finally start making love to me.”

„With the greatest pleasure, my lady.” He was relieved to hear her words and was all too eager to follow her wish.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After playing some truth or dare Blackwall and Nininaelle finally come to the sweet part of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW  
> for fluffy smut in all the fuzzy ways - Enjoy!
> 
> thank you for betareading thievinghippo, without you the pleasure would have been only half as sensual ;)

It was different. 

Of course it was.

_He_ was different.

Older, obviously.

Maybe more experienced. She assumed that a man like Blackwall must have a longer history with women than he had mentioned.

She would not ask. She did not want to know. She only wanted to be with him and finally get over her own lingering pain she slowly felt fading now as his almost trembling hands began to touch her.

He had touched her face before, holding it in his strong hands to kiss her. So he began with the things he already had done, where he felt confident and touched her face.

He was careful, still reluctant.

As if he was afraid to break something fragile.

The dark seemed to help.

Both of them.

She would not tell but she had not been so close with anybody since… _back then._

Again she forced her mind away from the past.

_This_ was her life now.

Dwelling in old memories would not help letting go.  

Now they explored each other in the dark like they never touched another’s body before.

If one sense is no longer available, the others take over and become more sensitive.

_Touch_

Eventually the trembling faded and he opened the laces of her jerkin. He pulled the soft leather from her shoulders and finally dared to explore her skin underneath the linen shift she was wearing. When he started to kiss her belly and wandered up to her breasts with his lips, his beard tickled and she welcomed this unknown but sweet sensation by stretching her body under him. His hands were calloused and used to hard work but now his touch was light and tempting when he ran his fingers over her bare and sensitive skin.

She freed him from his jacket and tugged off his shirt with no hesitation. To feel his body hair was all new to her and the sensation it left when it brushed her skin. She almost shivered in anticipation when she found out how soft and even silky it was under her hands and lips. Feeling his massive muscles flexing under her exploring fingers filled her with lust and at the same time it made her feel safe and sheltered.

_Smell_

He was all around her. A mixed scent of leather and steel, fire and wood, some distant hint of a tangy soap and the alluring scent of masculinity after a long day of activity made her want to draw him closer and closer. Wishing to literally wrap herself with him to never lose his presence again that she sensed now just by breathing. His scent made her heart beat faster and by the promising little twitches she felt inside her midst she could tell how much she already wanted him.

Her hair carried the scent of the forests, reminding him of a sunny autumn day. When he rested his head at the crook of her neck breathing in just to get more of this peaceful feeling. But another scent lingered below, there wasn’t only peace. Darker. Dangerous. It was so familiar already that he had never thought about it. The wax she used to preserve the flexibility of her bowstrings, he realized, combined with the salty metal-like odor of hand to hand combat reminded him of who she was and where she came from.

_Taste_

The smack of copper when his mouth accidentally brushed over the fresh cuts and bruises on her skin from one of today’s brawls and the sweet on her lips from the last piece of apple-pie she had found in her supplies earlier. Bitter and sweet at the same time. That was her.

Salty skin under her lips and on her tongue when she kissed along his neck and over his chest. Still a hint of the brandy he had shared with Bull earlier that night.

_Sound_

He whispered her name. Again and again. Hoarse voice, sometimes it sounded almost like a question as if he could not believe that she was here with him. His deep voice failing words but surrounding her with sighs and groans he tried to put under his breath to keep it private.

The little noises of anticipation something between purring and groaning that she made whenever he discovered a new sensitive area with soft hands and tender lips. Her lips whispering his name barely understood between sweet sounds of lust made him eager to explore just to hear more of it.

Here in the dark it was just the two of them.

No lies and no demons of the past and no uncertain future.

Just now.

And suddenly _now_ seemed to last forever.

„Am I allowed, my lady?” he asked before he dared to open the laces of her pants to take them off.

It didn’t sound awkward or reluctant but full of respect and love.

And of course she allowed it. She wanted it. More than she had wanted anything in her life.

Nimble hands when she opened his breeches and pulled them off, eager to proceed.

Finally they get rid of their smalls and he could not help but groan when he realized that she was so close now with no more fabrics between them.

Skin on skin.

„How do you want me?” he asked. Still not completely able to believe that it was him she had chosen and that he could ever be the man to satisfy her. To please her. So he had to ask. Trying to make it sound like it was not so much uncertainty but his will to please her as much as he could.

„Just go on doing what you do. It’s all fine,” she assured him, a bit overwhelmed by the freedom of choice just offered to her.

„I only don’t want to do anything you are not ready for… I want you to enjoy,” he tried to explain.

Wordlessly she took his hand and directed him between her legs. She was soft and already wet and it made him sharply draw in his breath feeling her moist hotness.

„Maker!” he whispered and his kisses suddenly became more passionate and his tongue fiercely rushed into her mouth to dance with hers. His hand lingered where she had put it and he eventually began to move his fingers on her, caressing until she began to moan into the kiss.

„Blackwall…” she finally breathed.

„Yes, love…”

„Come to me. And don’t stop what you do.” And with this she drew him all over her, spread her legs and let him slip between them.

She found it sweet and even a bit flattering that he was so concerned of doing something wrong or inappropriate. Not in an awkward or inexperienced way but just like a man who cared about the woman he was making love to. She liked that in him and she was sure he could finally let go if they just get to know each other better. All he did to her was just feeling so good and she already shivered from lust and arousal.

He still took his time to explore her to make sure she was ready. She could feel his erection pulsing against one of her thighs and his hand was still caressing her. Moving tenderly over her inner folds to finally find her entrance. His fingers probing forward to get a glimpse of what he was going to experience soon. A little groan escaped her, when he let one finger slide inside her heat. He found her comfortably lolling under his sweet torments so he let another finger follow and began to move them back and forth. More sensual groans from her were his reward for this and he went on moving his fingers inside her while finding her lips for some kisses again. He was careful and set the pace just in the right way for her to feel comfortable. And when he removed his fingers to finally replace them with his cock she was more than ready for him.

“My lady?” He asked again permission to proceed and her reply was husky: ”Go on. I want you so much.” But even now that she had assured him that she was fine, he was not forcing himself into her all at once and just start thrusting. Bit by bit he entered her and shoved forward whenever he felt that she was fine with it.

In the beginning he asked little questions like: ”Good?” or “Are you alright?” but soon he got a feeling for her body language and her little moans answered the unasked questions even better than words.

She realized she was grateful for him caring about her so much. Though sex was nothing new to her she had been alone and hostile towards men for a long time. Beside that she had been only with one man in her life and had never considered that there could be another one. So this new experience appeared to be a bit overwhelming in the beginning. But finally she relaxed and Blackwall had made it easy for her to let go and welcomed all the new feelings she encountered tonight.

Finally he was all inside her. She felt his hard length deep and hot within and she let herself be still for a moment, barely realizing that he did the same. They savored the moment of finally being together in the most intimate way possible. Both of them unconsciously held their breath from the welling of physical and emotional sensations. And when they exhaled simultaneously with a little sigh, they both had to chuckle and there was a sudden closeness between them that both had missed for a long time.

He leaned his forehead against hers and tried some gentle moves back and forth. When he felt her hips arching against his he felt encouraged to move a bit more just to see, that she was eager to adapt. Soon they moved together in a sweet increasing rhythm and he was delighted to hear the little groans and sighs and the purring sounds that he evoked from her.

His doubts about being able to please her slowly faded when he sensed how she reacted to his efforts. She seemingly approved what he did and she obviously enjoyed being with him. But he still felt the need to reassure himself again after a while and he resumed asking, already with a husky, a little breathless voice.

„What do you want me to do? Maybe you want to change positions? Just tell me, I’m all here for you tonight.”

Her voice was deeper now when she replied and also a bit out of breath. „Let me be on top then, if you like that.”

He chuckled. „Of course I’d like that. I think no man ever disliked it.”

They parted only just for a moment and he rolled on his back so she could straddle him. Working her hips on him, striding over his erection with her soft and slick folds made him moan all in a sudden and after a while of tempting moves she managed to let him slip back inside her without further help. He was deeper now and when she sat up and began drawing circles on him with her hips he thought she would end him at once.

„Careful, my lady. Give me some more time with you.”

She leaned forward and held her moves once more to let him calm down a bit. Kissing softly, running her fingers through his chest hair for some distraction without losing the mood.

„Are you all right, Blackwall?” she finally asked and he hummed his confirmation.

„Of course, my lady. Just don’t want to end this without you.” His hands were wandering over her back and finally rested on her round buttocks, casually caressing them. “Is there anything I can do?” he asked.

Again she didn’t answer with words. Just sat back up. Started to move again. Back and forth, trying to get him closer, deeper. He tried to meet her needs as good as he could. Moved to help her increase her lust. Arched his midst against her. Holding his body tensed so she could grind on him. Her speed increased along with the intensity of her movements. Eventually her hand searched for his so she could guide it to her delta and her most sensual nub. Moist, hot and swollen, just ready for his touch. He understood and began to rub her carefully with his thumb to see her reaction. Soon her movements became harder and more intense and she seemed to get closer and closer to the edge.

And indeed it took her not long and he was so amazed when he felt her convulsing around his length and heard her making little suppressed noises of pleasure when she came, that he just let her enjoy her moment of lust without letting himself over the edge. It was not easy but he wanted to cherish every second of her climax before he would allow himself to give in to his own. When she eventually leaned forward, still heavy breathing and her heart beating fast against his chest, he slung his arms around her in a sudden rush of emotion and love. Just holding her, making small soothing noises and caressing her beaming body until she became calm again.

„My lady…” was the only thing he could say over and over again until she closed his mouth with another long and soft kiss she let become more and more passionate after a while. She resumed moving her hips. Heavier on him now. Almost lazy promising circles, feeling different, somehow softer than before. Her moves played with him and when she sensed how he reacted to them she soon found the right rhythm that brought him fast and steady to the point he only could let go.

And he did. Came with a suppressed groan that held her name so deep within that it was barely understood.

She rested herself on his chest again, still holding him inside her, savoring the fading waves of lust. She leaned into his embrace. Let him hold her close and tight as if he would never let her out of his arms again.

„Nini…” His fingers stroked casually through her hair.

„Mhhhm?” she mumbled against his chest.

He wanted to say it, but flinched at the last moment. This was not the time and the place talking about love. Maybe there would never be. Though he already felt it deep inside, he could not tell her. Too many threats were still lingering all around them, all too eager to destroy him. He had to make sure she was safe. And making her a target of intrigues and threats was not the way to ensure her safety. She even might love him too. But laying it all open to the world would work as bait for the mischievous nightingale who was preying on him already. And he, with all those desperate lies about his past, always adding more of them to keep his dreadful past and his despicable self away from her, was in no position to claim her love in return anyway. 

He loved her, yes. But how could he allow her to love him back. He was a monster...

Since there was no answer she lifted her head now from his chest and stretched up to kiss him with idle and soft lips.

„What? Is something on your mind?” she asked and finally slipped down from him, snuggling into his side and pulling the bedroll over to cover them.

He sighed deeply and just held her close. 

„It’s nothing, love. Just wanted to make sure you’re all right.”

„I am, Warden Blackwall, I am.” she replied with a smile in her voice and already sounded sleepy. A few minutes later her smooth breathing told him that she was asleep.

“I love you, Nininaelle Lavellan. With all my heart and until I’ll drew my final breath,” he whispered into the darkness before he curled himself around her, hoping desperately for the sleep that he already knew would not come tonight.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On their way to Halamshiral, all Companions and Advisers share a merry night together on the camp fire.  
> Unnoticed by anyone the spymaster strikes a blow on Blackwall who has a hard time where every one enjoys themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The mentioned song is based on this version of the Johnny Cash Classic "God's gonna cut you down"
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWKt6bCIW2I
> 
> I allowed myself to change some words in a poor attempt to give it a better fit into the setting and simply assume that it is a well known song sung on camp fires and in taverns.

* * *

 

The way to Halamshiral was a torture. Halamshiral itself would be even more torture.

But he had sworn to protect his woman and decided that he was definitely not leaving her alone being thrown into the pit of the bloody Game at the Winterpalace. He was not sure if he could be of any help if things went out of hand about him but he would rather die trying but standing back and watch from a far. Anyway he would have had no way to explain why he’d better stay away from Val Royeaux at all. There would have been no exception for him, all the Inner Circle was assigned to attend the ball. Though, not all ofthem would step into the open while doing the entree with her but they would be all there. And worst of all, the damn spymaster was, too.

Nini had asked him to be there as her cavalier and bodyguard and he had accepted with no hesitation. Because this was what he actually was and what he was considered to be anyway and everyone would have wondered if he would have rejected the request.

He would have to step into the center of attention. Being called out by the courtly speaker by a name and title that were not his and all eyes would be on him. And also the nightingale’s. She would watch him because she was after him and would take eagerly every opportunity to study him personally outside of Skyhold. When he learned that the Inquisition would go unmasked all his hopes for some more disguise instantly faded. Only thing he could do was to go through the few moments of attention and then standing off any crowded place where people would be able to jump on him. And hope that ythe years and his gruff appearance with all that facial hair would be cover enough. Anyway he was happy to volunteer when they asked around who would be willing to watch over the hopefully quiet and deserted hall that connected the public area with the servants’ tract.

 ~   ~   ~

“So tell me more about Grey Wardens.” Her soft voice let him almost jump from his musings. Nini had led her Tirashan Swiftwind come to trot next to his Fereldan Forder and her hand reached out to lay on his forearm for a moment in an intimate gesture.

“Errrm…” desperately he tried to gain some time to make something up. “Sure there is not much to tell. There is darkspawn and we kill it.”

“It cannot be easy like that.” She inspected him with a side glimpse under half closed lashes.

“Well, my lady, in fact it is. You see darkspawn and stick your sword through it. Darkspawn dead. Goal accomplished. The more you theorize about it the harder it becomes.” His voice held a stubborn and cocky undertone and she raised a brow.

“But you can sense, when darkspawn is around.” Not a question but an assessment. He started sweating under his armor and was not able to look into her eyes. It was common knowledge that Wardens were capable of that and he had failed to prove it more than once after signing up to the Inquisition. _Maker, was she suspicious?_ She was no fool and he knew that. Wouldn’t have it any other way. Part of her attraction to him was her swift mind and her ability to read people. But now he desperately wished she would stop asking questions.

“It’s not that easy to describe with words.” He tried to wiggle out with a low voice for he was sure the spymaster had already her ear on their conversation. “It’s not that this is a trained ability nor do I own any kind of magic. It’s more of a vague feeling and for that not to describe precisely.” He ended reluctant and hoped she would end that subject and let it be.

“Like the Calling we learned about from Warden Strout?” _Maker_ , she really had him at his balls. And seemingly not even guessing through what kind of hell she was sending him with her inquiries. This conversation was unnerving and dangerous. And he hated to tell her lies straight into her face. But he had no choice. The Grey Warden had to live on, there was no other man who he could be to be worthy of her.

So he swallowed hard and replied: “The Calling has no power over me as long as I don’t fear it. I already stated that.” _Good_ , that was not even a lie. There was no need to fear something that could not affect him. “So let it be, love.” He resumed with a voice as determined as he was able to pretend he was. “There are things I simply cannot talk about. Not even to you, my lady.”

She measured him with a long and piercing look before she slowly nodded. “As you say. I understand that you belong to a secretive order and are obliged to keep things. I will not interfere with that.”

“Aye, my lady. I appreciate that.” He answered reluctant and only hoped that Leliana had not followed their conversation.

But apparently she had and she was ready to use any advantage to jump onto him she could possibly grab.

 ~   ~   ~

So when the group settled for camp this night, to great surprise for every one Leliana eventually grabbed a lute and began to play seemingly random tunes. It was well known that the Inquisitor was a decent singer who learned from a witty minstrel and still knew a wide variety of many famous and well known songs of all the lands. From time to time her party asked her to sing for them, sitting at camp together at night before finding rest but they never had been in such a huge round where all the Inner Circle and Advisers were together and shared a night at the camp fire so far. But no one saw and thought anything suspicious when Leliana took the lute and began to play. Only Varric, Josie and Cassandra exchanged confused glances for the spymaster had been avoiding to be remembered of her own past for so long. She always had rejected if anyone had asked her to tell stories let alone going back to play music for anyone.

But now she did. On her free will and without anyone asking her to do it. And only Blackwall felt an uncomfortable itch, though he could not say what it was. Only thing he was sure of, was that this woman never did anything random or for fun. When she now played music, she had an intention by doing that.

And he was right.

They all asked Nininaelle, who had placed herself casually and as a matter of course sidewise on his lap, to sing and she did. After all she liked to sing and she was with her chosen family. She saw no harm and performed merry rhymes and tavern songs, ballads of love and loss and even filthy soldier songs. They all cheered and sang along and it was an almost happy night to remember. Friends being together, casually gathered around a camp fire as if there was no Winterpalace waiting, full of greedy noblemen or a battle ahead they would have to fight one day against an overwhelming gruesome enemy.

And then Leliana began to play another song. Like randomly chosen and just plopping into her mind. But her eyes locked with his for a moment and he knew that she got him with this one and that she had managed to use the unknowing Inquisitor to blow this strike on him.

Nininaelle Lavellan finally had recognized the melody and jumped into that well known song and began to sing with her soft but surprisingly powerful voice. Her arms lay around his neck and she was all lost in the music so she could not sense the horrors that were running through him since he recognized the melody and desperately tried to understand what the spymaster was about to do. The words she cantillated lingered in the mild night and the soft wind carried them away but cut into his soul at the same time.

You can run on for a long time  
Run on for a long time  
Run on for a long time  
Sooner or later Maker‘ll cut you down  
Sooner or later Maker‘ll cut you down

Of course he knew this song. Everybody did. And then he suddenly knew what Leliana did here. She used the Inquisitor to wreck his nerves and to jump on him from a completely unexpected direction.

Go tell that long tongue liar  
Go and tell that midnight rider  
Tell the rambler,  
The gambler,  
The back biter  
Tell 'em that Maker‘s gonna cut 'em down  
Tell 'em that Maker‘s gonna cut 'em down

He had to put all his self-control up to remain calm and seemingly unimpressed. The spymaster still stared at him with a nasty smug curling up one corner of her lips. Ninis voice was so sweet, but she was killing him with the words she sung. When he realized that his hands were trembling he hastily put them away from her thighs were he had placed them earlier. Hiding them behind his back just hoping that no one had caught suspicion. The song continued and so did his suffering

Well my goodness gracious let me tell you the news  
My head's been wet with the midnight dew  
I've been down on bended knee talkin' to the woman from chantry  
She spoke to me in the voice so sweet  
I thought I heard the shuffle of the sister's feet  
She called my name and my heart stood still  
When she said, "Lass go do My will!"

He tried to ignore, to mute the words that cut through his mind, tearing him apart and making him want to scream out in guilt and pain. He wanted to make her stop singing, shouting at her that Leliana had used her to torment him. Of course he did no such thing. Nininaelle sang. The Nightingale smiled. He felt like crying.

Go tell that long tongue liar  
Go and tell that midnight rider  
Tell the rambler,  
The gambler,  
The back biter  
Tell 'em that Maker‘s gonna cut 'em down  
Tell 'em that Maker‘s gonna cut 'em down

You can run on for a long time  
Run on for a long time  
Run on for a long time  
Sooner or later Maker‘ll cut you down  
Sooner or later Maker'll cut you down

The words made him cringe but he could not show anything. He had to harden his self, not letting the spymaster win. Not this battle and for sure not the war she had inflicted on him. In the beginning he had been ready to give in, to leave without hesitation. This was unlikely to happen now. Not as long as he had a say in his future. He had chosen love and redemption by being a better man he actually was. He wanted to protect the woman he loved.

Well you may throw your rock and hide your hand  
Workin' in the dark against your fellow man  
But as sure as Maker made wrong and right  
What's down in the dark will be brought to the light

You can run on for a long time  
Run on for a long time  
Run on for a long time  
Sooner or later Maker'll cut you down  
Sooner or later Maker'll cut you down

Go tell that long tongue liar  
Go and tell that midnight rider  
Tell the rambler,  
The gambler,  
The back biter  
Tell 'em that Maker's gonna cut 'em down  
Tell 'em that Maker‘s gonna cut 'em down

Finally the song was over and everyone cheered and applauded and he knew he had to do the same in order not to give anything away. So he clapped his hands but his face remained unmoved not to show any emotion.

Leliana played some easy tunes now and her smile was all cheerful when she gazed at him and nodded approvingly towards the Inquisitor as if to thank her for the music.

He just wanted to jump up, rip the lute from her hand and crash it on a fucking rock. But he remained still, motionless, frustrated. And when Nini wrapped herself closer around him, he only was able to mutter an: „Excuse me, my lady.” before he let her slide from his lap and stood. He needed air. A moment. Alone. To catch breath. To sooth his pounding heart. To calm down.

 ~   ~   ~

Later, when they all had already retreated into their tents, she snuggled her self closer to him but he was not able to respond to her advances.

She hesitated when she felt that he was all reluctant and that he withdrew from her touch. Rested her chin on her little fist and watched him without a word.

„What is it, love?” he asked, barely able to stay calm.

„That’s what I’m asking you.” she replied with a soft smile. „Something wrong?”

He was about to explode but then he took a deep breath. He would not let the fucking spymaster win this over. He would not let her manipulate him. Getting his nerves wrecked and stumbling into discord with the woman he loved. He caressed her cheek and shook his head, hoping his smile was genuine to her.

„It’s nothing, my lady. I’m just tired. And you should find sleep, too. We have two more hard days on the road and then there will be the ball, soon. We all need to at our best there.” She pouted and he could not help but smile. Then he resumed, while pulling her closer into his arms. His voice was low and husky when he promised: „We’ll have all the time when we are done in Halamshiral. And I will pay you back for every single night you missed out until then, my lady.”

She giggled and kissed his neck. „I’ll take you at your word then.”

He sighed and finally he was able to relax a bit. „I hope that, my lady.”

She became more serious again and gave him a kind of an apologizing smile. „I just thought a bit of distraction would be nice...”

He raised an eyebrow. „Distraction?”

„I’m still scared as hell. Now that we are finally going to be at that ball... I’m so happy that you’ll be with me there.”

„You won’t need me there, my lady. I already told you, that you’ll do fine. But anyway I’ll be with you, you know that.” he chuckled. „And for the distraction...” he was already half way leaning over her, to finally trying to give her what she had asked for. But she had sensed that this was no night for love making.

So she simply kissed him softly and said: „It’s all good. Just be here. Everything seems possible as long as you are at my side.” She curled into his embrace and he closed his arms around her as if he could protect her like this from every evil coming upon her. He promised to himself that he would never allow the spymaster to use her against him again. He swore that he would not letting Leliana cause any sorrow and harm upon her. If it would mean for him to sacrifice he would do it but never ever he would allow the spymaster to use his woman again just to provoke him.

 


End file.
